12 Obama Jokes You Won't Hear On The Daily Show

Some suggestions for Late Night Comedians, Daytime Talk Show hosts, and speakers at the Rotary Club.

1)  Lead paragraph in a Washington Post article if McCain had won the 2008 Presidential election.

"There was an election yesterday between the Democrat and Republican parties.  Barack Obama came in second. John McCain was next to last."

2)  A new House Bill earmarks $200 million to build a statue honoring Abraham Lincoln.

The proposed statue will be of Barack Obama, giving a speech where he mentions Abraham Lincoln.   

3)  Obama says: "This stimulus bill will not instantly solve our economic problems, but it puts prosperity on the horizon."

Horizon: An imaginary line where the sky comes together with the earth; it moves off into the distance when you try to get closer.

4)  New York Times: A1 January 21, 2001:  Homeless Man In Street Has Only One Boot!

           New York Times, A1, January 21, 2009:  Free-Spirited Citizen Finds A Boot!

5)  Will there be a need for a police force in Obama's new America?

No, criminals will know to just arrest themselves.

6)  A eco-conscious art director is riding his bike home from work when he sees a young boy with a box in front of his working class home.

The boy has a sign up over the box that says," Obama Voter Puppies Free"  The man stops his bike and checks out the dogs.   He sees the puppies are newly born and in good health and makes a note to come back the next day with a carrier to take one of the puppies home. 

The next day, he forgets the carrier, but sees the little boy out front again with the box and the sign, and promises him he'll return tomorrow.  The next day it's raining, and then it's the weekend, so the eco-friendly art director doesn't make it back to the boy's house until the next Monday.

He pulls up to the house, and the boy is there, but now the sign says "Obama Puppies $400."  The man is shocked, and asks, "Weren't these puppies free last week?"

"That was last week," the boy replies. "Now their eyes are open."

7)  Two businessman are sitting in a bar having a drink when the topic of politics comes up.

One guy says "They passed Universal Health Care, and it cost $1 trillion dollars a year.  Then they passed a Social Security bill that guaranteed that everyone can retire at 60 years on full benefits, and that cost $5 trillion a year.  Now Obama is saying that we need to do more for the unemployed, and has proposed a law where you make 80% of your last salary and you get a raise of 3% every year.  If this keeps up, you and I are the only people left that are going to be paying taxes!"

To which the second guy says, "Speak for yourself."

8)  Jon Favreau is asked to write a 10 minute speech for President Obama for a dinner celebrating a successful ACORN voter drive.  After  watching Obama speak for 15 minutes, David Axelrod rushes over to Favreau to yell at him for writing a speech that was too long.  "I thought we told you 10 minutes!" he bellows, shaking his plump finger in Favreau's face.  "It was 10 minutes," cries Favreau, "but I gave him two copies!"

9)  The Employee Free Choice Act passes in 2009 with a bipartisan majority after major changes are demanded by Republican lawmakers.

To prevent intimidation by employers, union representatives now fill out ballots for the individual workers with the X's already marked in the boxes on the question of whether or not form a union.  All workers are required to do is the put the card in the ballot box.

A vote is called at a local manufacturing plant, and the first worker is handed his voting ballot, folded in two.  As he walks to the box he unfolds the ballot and starts to look at it.
 
A union official sees him and yells out, "Hey, what are you doing?"
 
"I just wanted to see how I'm voting," replies the worker.
 
The union official slaps his forehead in exasperation, "You idiot!  Don't you know that this is a SECRET ballot?"

10)  The New, New Economic Recovery Act of 2010 brings thousands of shovel ready  jobs to middle class Americans planting trees across the country.

 In Philadelphia, a woman is walking her dog when she sees two workmen with shovels walking along the edge of a city street, stopping every five yards so that one of them can dig a hole in the dirt.  As soon as it is dug, the second worker fills the hole back in.  Then they move along another five yards and repeat the exercise.  The woman observing this scene loses her temper and stomps up to the two workers.  She shouts, "What kind of craziness is this?  You dig a hole, then the other fellow fills it right up.  You're accomplishing nothing at all.  We're wasting good money paying you."  "No, no", one of the workers replies, "you don't understand.  Usually we work with a third guy, Joe, but he's home drunk today.  Joe plants trees. I dig the hole, he sticks in the tree, and Bill here fills the hole back in.  Just because Steve's off drunk, does that mean Bill and I have to stop working?"

11)  Obama is giving a speech at the 2012 Olympics in London, and begins to read off the teleprompter. 

"Oh, Oh, Oh,"

David Axelrod is confused, as Obama only stutters when he's speaking his own thoughts, and he usually says, "Uh, Uh, Uh," not "Oh, Oh, Oh."

An aide steps forward and whispers quietly, "Mr. President, those are Olympic rings. The text is below."

12)  24thstate offices, April 16th, 2009. An official government letter arrives in the mail, with a short, handwritten note from Tim Geithner: 

"Now that the election is over, you can tell your little jokes to the IRS.

Bonus Jokes:

A bonus ACORN Joke:

Like any experienced Chicago politician, Obama would go the cemetary to register voters. One night he came across a grave so old and worn that he couldn't make out the name on the tombstone. The staffer holding the flashlight got impatient and suggested they just move on to the next plot. Obama angrily exclaimed, "This person has a much right to vote as anyone else here!"

A bonus Oprah Joke.

Why did Oprah support Barack Obama?  She has a history of supporting frauds. 

Best Obama Anagram:

President Barack Hussein Obama = A Democrat speaks inane rubbish

**A good number of these were adapted from jokes collected from David Frum's old column on NRO.