Admit it, you love rankings, at least when they are in your favor. This one was a huge eye-opener for me and there is a deeper political point. A couple of months ago, I was commuting back and forth between San Diego and Birmingham, as in "Sweet Home Alabama". You truly have to live in Alabama to understand why that moniker fits. So I was staying with a friend in San Diego, who I will not name, but he knows who
he is. This former St. Louisan stands well over six feet tall, plays hockey regularly, and even electric guitar. All good, right? So I am thrilled to tell him that I located St. Louis style pork steaks in San Diego, of all places. I was going to grill a feast, made for a man, just like what we grew up eating in St. Louis. All we need is some of Louie Maull's special sauce. And then he says
it. Ah, I think I will pass. What?!?!?! He then proceeds to sing the praises of some fake sausage called..."Tofurky". He and his lovely fiance prefer to go meatless, mostly. What happened?
I come across this recent ranking of the Manliest Cities in America. Suddenly, it all makes sense. After growing up in St. Louis (#7 out of 50!!!! Go CARDS!-Shoot yeah!), now living in Birmingham (#5 Roll Tide!), certainly a lot manly influences have rubbed off on me. I literally crave red meat like a vampire craves, whatever they crave. I cannot explain it, its just who I am. So I could not understand how my friend, the hockey playing, big guy prefers Thai vegetable stir fry and sushi, and would rather eat a tube of Tofu and pretend it is sausage. Now I know. While all of that manly culture was rubbing off on me (many cities #7 and #5) my friend has spent the better part of four years in San Diego, number, ahem, 50. See what has rubbed off on him? Yep.
San Diego is the least manly big city in the country. It is even behind "fashionable" Kansas City (#20) -
respectable. Look what this city did to my friend. Truly depressing. Forget about my friend for a minute, and let us take a look at the entire Golden State. The ranking shows that four of the five girly-mannish cities in the country are in California which includes, not-surprisingly, San Francisco and Oakland (#s 49 and 48), and LA (#46). Even the capitol city, Sacramento comes in at an effeminate #44. How could a state famous for gold miners and cowboys, Governors like Reagan and even Schwarzenegger be such femmland with four of the five girliemannest cities? Even the sports teams, Padres, Dodgers, and, Angels-Really? Not even the uber-manly Albert Pujols (formerly from #7 St. Louis) can make the Angels sound manly. Come to think of it, Albert's bat is nothing like it used to be in St. Louis. Hmm?
So how did the state of John Wayne and Ronald Reagan now become the state of Nancy Pelosi, Barbara Boxer and Diane Feinstein? A recent study in Human Nature may shed some light. The leading Hollywood action hero manly-men, namely Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Chuck Norris and Sylvester Stallone, basically the entire cast of The Expendables (I LOVE this franchise), and one of my favorite patriots Gary Sanise, stand out as Republicans in otherwise hard left Hollywood. Evidently, there is only so much testosterone to go around, and higher levels of testosterone packed manliness equates to voting well, like a man, ie. Republican. Sorry, Tom Cruise, but making you into a real man is simply ah, Mission Impossible, or is it?
One of the factors measured in the manly city piece is manly restaurant categories versus girly choices. So if a city has more coffee shops, sushi bars and vegan cuisine than BBQ joints and steakhouses, you better have a healthy variety of gun clubs and race tracks or you are toast. So I think I know what happened to my friend. He left extremely manly St. Louis, landed in San Diego and got in with the wrong crowd. Someone suggested dinner out at a "great Thai place". It seemed harmless enough. You can get some meat, plus it is spicy. This is the gateway drug to feminine eating. Next he tried sushi. Fish undoubtedly played a role in shoving beef aside. Then, someone suggested a vegetarian restaurant. It was all over. So goes California.
The once proud, hardscrabble, frontier state began taking its dietary lead more from the Far East (which evidently is not far enough) and less from the Midwest. The consequences are tragic. With lady men in charge of girly states like California and New York, what do you expect? Its like an all woman jury. Throw the book at no one and be sensitive to the needs of the accused. More compassion and less accountability. More June Cleaver and less Ward. These states are so sensitive that they lost their sense! You know what tofu does to a man?
We realize there are exceptions to these rules. I married a "hang-em high" wife. I think she was more excited about the .45 I got her for Christmas than she was for the engagement ring. The point is, these girly food states are marked by generous welfare benefits, eye-popping pension outlays, too many home decorating stores and maxed out credit cards. Hello? Anyone see a pattern here? So what we need is to man up as a nation. Cruise, how about laying off the Scientology-my-body-my-temple diet, and spending more dinners out at your Hard Rock Cafe? Have you seen that manly menu? It was founded by a Southerner (Memphis #3). Getting the picture?. So as hard as it may be, you princesses in the Big Apple, Boston and LA, should should quit eating like Gandhi and start eating like St. Louis' John Goodman. Take a page from the big man from fly over land. Did you realize Missouri has a balanced budget and a AAA bond rating? Do you ladies even know what that means?
So California, Eat right, man up, balance your books and maybe you can stop that testosterone exodus for Texas. Heaven knows they have enough. JR Ewing has enough manliness for a small city all by himself. Meanwhile, maybe I can pull off a Brazilian steakhouse intervention on my wayward friend, before its too late for him.